Post by Shiin on Jul 5, 2012 2:48:13 GMT -5
Well, let's throw this one for a loop here and see if I can get any advice from old friends.
Someone I loved very much died recently; it's been a month and a half and I'm still crying every night and can barely sleep and suffer from night terrors. You'd think it would be a simple case of grief and that I just need to get over it, but unfortunately, as it always seems to be the case with me, it's much more complicated.
This man asked me to marry him and wanted me to be with him. I wanted the same but...I was hesitant and unsure about accepting because I was still hurting from a previous relationship and went sour a year prior. One night, he got so fed up with my, admitably, flimsy excuses and refused to speak to me.
After a month of silence, I wanted to apologize to him and tell him I missed him and express my feelings. He knew I loved him, but I never told him how much. I tried to call and got no answer so I sent a text. I got a message a few hours later...
He died two days prior. An accident from mixed up medications.
It's been hard trying to get over it, and I've been wrestling with myself over mixed feelings. Did he die hating me? Was I on his mind since the fight? I've talked out loud, hoping for some comfort in trying to talk to his spirit, pleading for forgiveness and admitting how I've felt, but I can't get over the guilt (much more to this story, but this is the gist of it), and the thoughts that he's in the afterlife, forgotten about me and never forgiven me.
The thoughts eat away at me each day to the point where again, I'm barely sleeping or eating or functioning properly. I spend hours wondering if he's in the afterlife, waiting for me so we can rekindle our relationship and spend eternity together or if I mean nothing to him anymore.
It's also eating away at me that if I said one sentence differently, he would be alive today and I beat myself up for it all the time. I started the chain of events that led to him needing to move, seeing a new doctor that didn't know his condition and meds well, and caused the mix up that killed him. In essence, yes, I blame myself, not the doctor or the mix up, for his death.
So, that's my whopper of a situation. I just needed to vent and wonder if anyone's maybe been through anything near this. I've gone through deaths before, but nothing like this.
Someone I loved very much died recently; it's been a month and a half and I'm still crying every night and can barely sleep and suffer from night terrors. You'd think it would be a simple case of grief and that I just need to get over it, but unfortunately, as it always seems to be the case with me, it's much more complicated.
This man asked me to marry him and wanted me to be with him. I wanted the same but...I was hesitant and unsure about accepting because I was still hurting from a previous relationship and went sour a year prior. One night, he got so fed up with my, admitably, flimsy excuses and refused to speak to me.
After a month of silence, I wanted to apologize to him and tell him I missed him and express my feelings. He knew I loved him, but I never told him how much. I tried to call and got no answer so I sent a text. I got a message a few hours later...
He died two days prior. An accident from mixed up medications.
It's been hard trying to get over it, and I've been wrestling with myself over mixed feelings. Did he die hating me? Was I on his mind since the fight? I've talked out loud, hoping for some comfort in trying to talk to his spirit, pleading for forgiveness and admitting how I've felt, but I can't get over the guilt (much more to this story, but this is the gist of it), and the thoughts that he's in the afterlife, forgotten about me and never forgiven me.
The thoughts eat away at me each day to the point where again, I'm barely sleeping or eating or functioning properly. I spend hours wondering if he's in the afterlife, waiting for me so we can rekindle our relationship and spend eternity together or if I mean nothing to him anymore.
It's also eating away at me that if I said one sentence differently, he would be alive today and I beat myself up for it all the time. I started the chain of events that led to him needing to move, seeing a new doctor that didn't know his condition and meds well, and caused the mix up that killed him. In essence, yes, I blame myself, not the doctor or the mix up, for his death.
So, that's my whopper of a situation. I just needed to vent and wonder if anyone's maybe been through anything near this. I've gone through deaths before, but nothing like this.