Post by YFWE on Jan 8, 2007 21:39:39 GMT -5
I wrote this on three napkins at a local pizza place. It's the greatest story ever written. Please, take my word for it. XD
The Napkin Story
One day in the land of pepperoni and $1.99 buffets, there was a man named Bob Saget. Not the Bob Saget that hosted America’s Funniest Home Videos and acted in Full House. This is Bob Saget the janitor. Bob Saget lives in the janitor’s closet of Michael Richards High School. He likes poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.
One day, Bob Saget flew on his homemade rocket ship to Michigan because he was bored. But then he realized that Michigan was not much better, so he flew to Disney World. He got an autograph from Donald Duck, but then burned it because we all know that everyone hates Donald Duck. Bob Saget walked in the Night Parade at the Magic Kingdom. They thought he was the real Bob Saget. But he wasn’t. He was Bob Saget the janitor, who likes poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.
After proclaiming that South Africans were the cause of all the wars in the world, Bob Saget flew on his rocket ship to the place where they make candy corn. He wanted to see what was in candy corn. He also wanted to ask the president of the candy corn corporation why they kept making candy corn if no one ever eats it anyway. The president, Richard Richardson, proceeded to tell him that every piece of candy corn in the world was made in 1907, and that when the candy corn would sit uneaten on coffee tables across America, they would send spies like Matt Damon in The Good Shepherd to get all the candy corn and recycle it back at their factory and sell it again. Bob Saget believed every word and vowed never to eat candy corn again– not that he ever had.
Bob Saget went to Los Angeles on his rocket ship. He met that dude Sacha Baron Cohen from Borat. Bob Saget likes Borat almost as much as he likes poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick. Bob Saget found his Hollywood star. He was content.
Bob Saget was tired. He want to that one place when people sleep. The cemetery. Because it was Los Angeles, he saw a lot of famous people’s graves. Bob Saget got to sleep among the stars.
But then Bob Saget was awakened when Gir from Invader Zim came and said hi. They played Dance Dance Revolution for a few hours and ate some taquitos. Then Gir had to go. But it was okay. Bob Saget had more things to do. Bob Saget got on his rocket ship and went to Alaska. He set fire to Alaska and made all the snow melt. He called it Baked Alaska. Then when the snow melted, Alaska was covered up by water. Bye bye Alaska.
Bob Saget felt bad. He went to a Hawthorne Heights concert to ease the pain. Bob Saget cut his wrist and blacked his eyes, because you kill Bob Saget. You like it too and Bob Saget can tell. You never stop until Bob Saget’s final breath is gone.
Bob Saget lost a lot of blood and went to the hospital. Bob Saget had new blood put into him. He stayed there all night and watched Star Wars.
Bob Saget then wondered if there was a such thing as a Jewish starfish. A starfish with six arms. It was a very tedious process. Bob Saget decided that there were Jewish starfish, but they all lived in Ashton Kutcher’s basement. They were safe from the evil flying ninjas there.
Bob Saget sat on top of a windmill and drank his problems away. But Slim Fast can only do so much. Bob Saget jumped off the windmill. Bob Saget bounced. It was cool.
Bob Saget saw Elvis. He was in Montana running a real estate firm under the name of Scout Finch, who killed a mockingbird.
Bob Saget went to a pizza place in Chicago called Gino’s East. You can write on the walls there. Bob Saget wrote that South Africans were the cause for all the wars in the world. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if he hadn’t spraypainted it in font size 128 Times New Roman. Bob Saget got kicked out of Gino’s East and went to McDonald’s. Bob Saget saw Ronald McDonald. He got a picture with him. It was great fun.
Bob Saget proceeded to soak up the real Bob Saget’s awesomeness. He also sucked out his life force. Bob Saget brought sexy back. Those other boys didn’t know how to act. Then Timbaland came in and talked to Bob Saget, but was abruptly shot by an angry Amish Mexican who heard five straight songs on the radio with Timbaland in it. The crowd cheered. But then Timbaland’s zombie came and ate their hearts. Anthony Hopkins did too, with some fava beans and a nice kiante.
Bob Saget went to the White House. He saw President Bush and said hi. Bob Saget likes George W. Bush. He doesn’t like richard Cheney. Bob Saget said hi to richard Cheney. richard Cheney shot him. He thought Bob Saget was a deer. But Bob Saget’s like that cheerleader on Heroes– he does that tissue regeneration thing so he can’t get hurt. Bob Saget then saved the cheerleader and saved the world. He found the people from Lost. He used his Bob Saget powers to raise the Titanic from the ocean and restored it to its original splendor. No one went on it though because that ship sucks compared to the ships of today. So Bob Saget threw the Titanic into space. It smashed into Jupiter. Jupiter fell out of orbit and blew up. It was a sad day. But not really.
Bob Saget saw the man in the moon. He wanted to say hi. He went to see him. It was Abraham Lincoln. He never died. He flew to the moon because he’s Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln said he was awaiting the day when Earth blew up, then he was going to make a new one and repopulate the earth with the little girl from the Pepsi commercials. Bob Saget thought that was kind of sick. He went back to Earth.
Bob Saget went and hijacked one of those jet planes that smoke can come out of. He wrote “Bob Saget was here.” Then the Air Force came and shot Bob Saget down. He ejected himself from the plane and landed in Minnesota. On his feet. He didn’t use a parachute. He’s Bob Saget.
Bob Saget solved the Da Vinci Code. It wasn’t anything like Dan Brown said. Dan Brown’s a Exile. The Mona Lisa painting is actually a painting of Elmer Fudd in an earlier lifetime. It made sense to Bob Saget. He then blew up the Mona Lisa because she didn’t like poetry. Bob Saget likes poetry, long walks on the beach, poking dead things with a stick, roughing the passer, and blowing up the Mona Lisa.
Bob Saget went back to his closet house. He fell asleep. He dreamed of salt, pepper, little boys, Michael Jackson, FedEx, ReMax, Bud Light, Dan Brown, zombie Timbaland, and pie. Bob Saget died in his sleep of complications from cutting his wrists. Damn emos killed Bob Saget. But he is still bringing sexy back. Good night, and good luck.
The Napkin Story
One day in the land of pepperoni and $1.99 buffets, there was a man named Bob Saget. Not the Bob Saget that hosted America’s Funniest Home Videos and acted in Full House. This is Bob Saget the janitor. Bob Saget lives in the janitor’s closet of Michael Richards High School. He likes poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.
One day, Bob Saget flew on his homemade rocket ship to Michigan because he was bored. But then he realized that Michigan was not much better, so he flew to Disney World. He got an autograph from Donald Duck, but then burned it because we all know that everyone hates Donald Duck. Bob Saget walked in the Night Parade at the Magic Kingdom. They thought he was the real Bob Saget. But he wasn’t. He was Bob Saget the janitor, who likes poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.
After proclaiming that South Africans were the cause of all the wars in the world, Bob Saget flew on his rocket ship to the place where they make candy corn. He wanted to see what was in candy corn. He also wanted to ask the president of the candy corn corporation why they kept making candy corn if no one ever eats it anyway. The president, Richard Richardson, proceeded to tell him that every piece of candy corn in the world was made in 1907, and that when the candy corn would sit uneaten on coffee tables across America, they would send spies like Matt Damon in The Good Shepherd to get all the candy corn and recycle it back at their factory and sell it again. Bob Saget believed every word and vowed never to eat candy corn again– not that he ever had.
Bob Saget went to Los Angeles on his rocket ship. He met that dude Sacha Baron Cohen from Borat. Bob Saget likes Borat almost as much as he likes poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick. Bob Saget found his Hollywood star. He was content.
Bob Saget was tired. He want to that one place when people sleep. The cemetery. Because it was Los Angeles, he saw a lot of famous people’s graves. Bob Saget got to sleep among the stars.
But then Bob Saget was awakened when Gir from Invader Zim came and said hi. They played Dance Dance Revolution for a few hours and ate some taquitos. Then Gir had to go. But it was okay. Bob Saget had more things to do. Bob Saget got on his rocket ship and went to Alaska. He set fire to Alaska and made all the snow melt. He called it Baked Alaska. Then when the snow melted, Alaska was covered up by water. Bye bye Alaska.
Bob Saget felt bad. He went to a Hawthorne Heights concert to ease the pain. Bob Saget cut his wrist and blacked his eyes, because you kill Bob Saget. You like it too and Bob Saget can tell. You never stop until Bob Saget’s final breath is gone.
Bob Saget lost a lot of blood and went to the hospital. Bob Saget had new blood put into him. He stayed there all night and watched Star Wars.
Bob Saget then wondered if there was a such thing as a Jewish starfish. A starfish with six arms. It was a very tedious process. Bob Saget decided that there were Jewish starfish, but they all lived in Ashton Kutcher’s basement. They were safe from the evil flying ninjas there.
Bob Saget sat on top of a windmill and drank his problems away. But Slim Fast can only do so much. Bob Saget jumped off the windmill. Bob Saget bounced. It was cool.
Bob Saget saw Elvis. He was in Montana running a real estate firm under the name of Scout Finch, who killed a mockingbird.
Bob Saget went to a pizza place in Chicago called Gino’s East. You can write on the walls there. Bob Saget wrote that South Africans were the cause for all the wars in the world. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if he hadn’t spraypainted it in font size 128 Times New Roman. Bob Saget got kicked out of Gino’s East and went to McDonald’s. Bob Saget saw Ronald McDonald. He got a picture with him. It was great fun.
Bob Saget proceeded to soak up the real Bob Saget’s awesomeness. He also sucked out his life force. Bob Saget brought sexy back. Those other boys didn’t know how to act. Then Timbaland came in and talked to Bob Saget, but was abruptly shot by an angry Amish Mexican who heard five straight songs on the radio with Timbaland in it. The crowd cheered. But then Timbaland’s zombie came and ate their hearts. Anthony Hopkins did too, with some fava beans and a nice kiante.
Bob Saget went to the White House. He saw President Bush and said hi. Bob Saget likes George W. Bush. He doesn’t like richard Cheney. Bob Saget said hi to richard Cheney. richard Cheney shot him. He thought Bob Saget was a deer. But Bob Saget’s like that cheerleader on Heroes– he does that tissue regeneration thing so he can’t get hurt. Bob Saget then saved the cheerleader and saved the world. He found the people from Lost. He used his Bob Saget powers to raise the Titanic from the ocean and restored it to its original splendor. No one went on it though because that ship sucks compared to the ships of today. So Bob Saget threw the Titanic into space. It smashed into Jupiter. Jupiter fell out of orbit and blew up. It was a sad day. But not really.
Bob Saget saw the man in the moon. He wanted to say hi. He went to see him. It was Abraham Lincoln. He never died. He flew to the moon because he’s Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln said he was awaiting the day when Earth blew up, then he was going to make a new one and repopulate the earth with the little girl from the Pepsi commercials. Bob Saget thought that was kind of sick. He went back to Earth.
Bob Saget went and hijacked one of those jet planes that smoke can come out of. He wrote “Bob Saget was here.” Then the Air Force came and shot Bob Saget down. He ejected himself from the plane and landed in Minnesota. On his feet. He didn’t use a parachute. He’s Bob Saget.
Bob Saget solved the Da Vinci Code. It wasn’t anything like Dan Brown said. Dan Brown’s a Exile. The Mona Lisa painting is actually a painting of Elmer Fudd in an earlier lifetime. It made sense to Bob Saget. He then blew up the Mona Lisa because she didn’t like poetry. Bob Saget likes poetry, long walks on the beach, poking dead things with a stick, roughing the passer, and blowing up the Mona Lisa.
Bob Saget went back to his closet house. He fell asleep. He dreamed of salt, pepper, little boys, Michael Jackson, FedEx, ReMax, Bud Light, Dan Brown, zombie Timbaland, and pie. Bob Saget died in his sleep of complications from cutting his wrists. Damn emos killed Bob Saget. But he is still bringing sexy back. Good night, and good luck.